As long as you are, I am… 🦋❤️💫

Beloved Sush,

You may not know me but I’m just another heart your captive smile captured. I’m just another heart anticipating your twinkling smile. I’m just another heart your angelic soul bewitched. I’m just another heart who stood in awe of your charm. I’m just another heart who finds its peace in you…

I will never be able to put into words how heavy I feel. As I write this, I feel my hands shaking but it’s been more than three months since you left your human form, yet that doesn’t make me love you any less.

Back to the terrible afternoon of 14th June, I stood numb with shock. My hands trembled in incredulity. It felt as if time ceased to move. “How on earth will I ever be able to find a gem like you?” “Is there really a ‘Fault in our stars’?” “Was it destined to end in such a way?” “Does every ending have to be bitter?” “Will anything seem as beautiful as it was earlier?” These thoughts started haunting me. Most of the time, I’d either have sleepless nights or I would cry myself to sleep, wondering why God chose you over us. But amidst all the changes, my love for you and the sinking pain remains constant.

If only love could have brought you back, you’d be right here, sitting next to me, striking a rather one-sided conversation satiating my curiosity, and I’d do nothing but pretend to be a good listener, as it wouldn’t be possible to take my eyes off you… Like any other fangirl, I always craved to meet you, get your autograph and affectionately hug you, so tight, that you would certainly not want to leave.

I candidly don’t remember the first time I saw you. For all I know, it was in 2013/14 when I stumbled across ‘Kai Po Che’. However, it was in 2016, after watching ‘M.S. Dhoni’ that I became your greatest fan in my own words. I remember being deeply moved by the perfection you brought into your role and the amount of hard work you must have put in. It wasn’t the ‘celebrity’ Sushant Singh Rajput I fell for, it was the ‘Photon in a Double Slit’ I fell for. And within no time, I set out in pursuit of knowing you even more.

What made me love you irrevocably was the person you are rather than the actor. The first thing I started out with was scrolling through your Wikipedia page and interviews. When I realized that you are a Physics Olympiad winner and you secured an AIR 7 in your engineering entrance, I was left awe-struck. The way you were different from any of your contemporary actors is what fascinated me.

The parallelism that we share brought me even closer to you. Our fondness for chocolates and ice-creams, our penchant for stargazing and moongazing, our fascination towards astronomy, how both of us adore words, and how our personae by far resemble. (It’s no secret that both of us are introverts :))

I still have distinct memories of those times when a blissful smile adorned my face each time I saw you on screen, when I passionately waited for your movies, when even a television ad featuring you made my day, when I used to glare at your posters with much zeal, when I used to cling to the television watching your songs and movies telecast on it, also when a minor achievement of yours would bring me extreme contentment. And I knew it was no kind of infatuation, but all of this was out of sheer love for you.

I may not have been a part of your spectacular transition from television to the big screen, (I was a kid back then) but I did yearn to relive it from afar, and I did so by watching your TV shows and prior flicks on repeat. Don’t ask me the number of times I watched them, I have lost the count.
‘Raabta’, although didn’t grab much attention, it did strike a chord with me. I still recall how anxiously I waited for your ambitious project ‘Chandamama Door Ke’ and was equally disappointed when it got shelved. How I remember squealing with joy, back then in 2018, when I heard you are going to play Augustus Waters in the Bollywood adaptation of my ever favorite novel ‘The Fault In Our Stars’. I had found my Augustus in your way before the world did.

Your photos are the most prized possessions in my phone’s gallery. Candid pictures from your movies or interviews, adorable behind-the-scenes clicks, those videos from your dream trip to Disneyland and CERN, videos where you are seen goofing around with your guitar or stargazing with inquisitive eyes, where you take some lucky friends for a drive as well as those where you are dancing to the tunes of my favorite songs. Even your ‘Self-musings’ have found a special place in the wall-hangings of my room. A playlist I dedicated exclusively for your songs remains the most cherished one.

Your timeless lessons on love, empathy, kindness, endurance, compassion, the essence of life, striking a balance between science and spirituality, the art of dreaming with open eyes, never failed to mesmerize me.

Reminiscing those times elicits nostalgia that only longs for few more days with you, well aware of the fact that you are still an enigma to me. Like you say, “When love is the cause it shall survive”, even our bond shall not just survive but thrive, in the happiest of the days as well as the gloomiest, ours shall blossom until eternity. You gave me an infinity within the numbered days and I’m eternally grateful.

Often people mistake glamour, fame, and stardom to be parameters of success. They failed to realize what a gem of a person you were. We are sorry. It was only after you left that many of them have acknowledged the worth of a true STAR like you. Even I failed to sprinkle around some part of the vibe you possessed. I am sorry. Will you forgive me? I know you will, for you love with all your heart.

And you know what? I never said goodbye, for how can I bid adieu to a part of myself? Yes, you will live as long as I exist, in every breath of mine, in every single heartbeat. I won’t let anyone mar your warm radiant smile, I promise.

I hope, on a stellar moonlit night, this letter finds you and you shall know that a selenophile just like you, is looking up to her best-loved STAR. Much much love, until we find each other in a parallel world where love is all that exists.

Seri Sushant Singh Rajput?

Yours forever,
From someone who loves you till Mare Moscoviense, Orion, Andromeda, and beyond…
– Keya

❤️🦋🌪️💫♾️💥🌟☄️🌌🔭🕺🎸🔱🌈