The Secret Admirer

To my dearest Sushant or Sushi that I lovingly call you as,

Usually, I don’t believe in the concept of having regrets because I think they shape you to the person that you are today or a better one in future. Whether it be your mistakes, your choices, the decisions you make – you learn from them. This has been something that I’ve always believed in, which explains why I hold myself back to say that I have regrets in life, but that was until now.

I don’t think I can ever forget the first time I’ve laid my eyes on you. I was just eight years old, sitting in front of the TV with my family and watch a new show that we adored so quickly and that was Pavitra Rishta. Watching you play as Manav was not just endearing, but I was madly in love with you.

Your charismatic smile, gazing eyes and your ability to bring that character to life left a big mark on me. Since then, we’ve spent so much ‘family quality time’ on watching the show for four years. Turning me into your biggest cheerleader and so eager to catch a glimpse of you whether it was you winning the best ZEE TV actor award, or watch you on various news channels that famously knew you as “Sushi”.

Do you know how everyone in their childhood had their first celebrity crush that they can never forget? Well, for me, that person was you. I was so young, and you taught me what a ‘first true love’ meant. After your successful TV days, then came in your debut in “Kai Po Che” which I was so eager to see on the big screen! And I was lucky enough to witness it on the first day itself.

But then like I said, it was my “first celebrity crush”, and I didn’t realise how my admiration grew so silent. I watched your career grow from afar from Kai Po Che to Ms Dhoni; you made it so big for someone who was an outsider. My family and I would always casually discuss how you started from absolute nothing and that we’ll always be proud of you. We used to reminisce about your Manav days and how I used to wait until the end of the day just to watch the new episode as a child. Now, to see you as a big movie star, it felt as if someone of our own made us proud.
It truly did.

To be frank, I don’t remember when it slowly started to fade off but growing up; I began to follow more people like One Direction, few Hollywood stars and others in the industry. Eventually, I didn’t realise how I haven’t appreciated you enough. In secret, I would admire your personality, your looks, the songs from your movies, and you became a part of a lot of inside jokes that my sister and I share till today. Yet it seemed you were always a part of me somewhere or another despite the fact I haven’t seen all of your films.

However, when I heard about the news of “Dil Bechara” coming to life, I was super ecstatic about it as the book has always been close to my heart. And to know that you were playing as the male lead was so exciting because I knew no one could pull off that role better than you.
I’m proud to say that I was right.

Ever since you’ve gone, it shook me to the point where I didn’t realise it. Watching all your moments from Pavitra Rishta took me back to those good old days that I miss so much. That’s when I understood; I didn’t just miss you because of only what you are. I miss you because of the memories that were tied to you. The innocent flashbacks keep coming to me when I was a young little girl who couldn’t stop fangirling over a fictional character named Manav and the artist who graciously played that role. That young little girl’s favourite “Sushi” from Jhalak Dikhla Jaa and those old TV days. These last several weeks were spent on Twitter, where I learned so much about you. Your goals, your dreams, the never-ending talents, your innovative ideas, the cute & heart-warming fan interactions, the shared love of One Direction and SRK, the philanthropist side of yours, and just so much more that I can’t express it enough for a gorgeous man like you. These last weeks have made me feel so regretful. The disappointment of not appreciating you enough, not learning more about you before, not to reach out to you at least once, not praising you enough and the list just goes on and on. The worst part is, I don’t think this guilt will never stop eating me up alive.

For a while now, I found myself watching your movies and interviews, listening to your songs whether it be the ones from your films or your favourites, interacting with your fans, reading your favourite books and celebrating your work and legacy. I have to say these weeks have changed me as a person and how much you mean to me like never before. I don’t deserve to call myself as a “fan”, but all I can say is celebrating your craft, being vocal about how much of a gem you are, and always to remember you as a part of me has been an enormous joy and privilege to do so. It will always be.

It’s strange how you’re not here, but it feels like you’re always here watching over me. Every day there’s still something new that I learn about you, and you always inspire me to learn more about something each day. When it comes to you, it feels like everything is connected, and somehow, every small thing just reminds me of you. And for that, not even one day goes by where I don’t think about you.

There’s no proof that ‘afterlife’ exists, but somehow, I’d know it does because your presence is always felt.

In of your selfmusing, you say – “I am that ‘part’ of you which you are not aware of.”

You were right, Sushi. From the start.

As I’m writing this open letter, I’ve realised that you’ve always a part of me no matter what. There was always this ‘raabta’ between us, and it still remains. Even though we haven’t met even once but God, I wish we did. We would’ve had so much to talk about, but I know in my heart, we’ll meet again.

I love you to infinity and beyond. You’ll always be in my heart and will celebrate you forever, Sushi!

Seri.

Your secret admirer,
Simran.