Main Tumhari Rahi

Dear Sushant,

It’s three months since you left us. It’s an odd feeling…the dichotomy of coming to terms with the fact that you physically are no more, along with the strange sensation that you are still here somewhere. I often find myself wondering if this is all a horrible prank and you’ve just been hiding somewhere…that you’ll appear and put all of this chaos to rest.

But in nearly the next second, my rational mind kicks in and I realize that can’t happen. That we will no longer have the privilege of catching your beautiful smile, pondering upon your insightful discussions and contemplating your dense self-musings. 

I can’t honestly say that I was an ardent fan and had watched all your movies. In fact, I had somehow only “discovered” you barely a year ago. I remember coming across a fascinating Instagram post of yours and when I pursued your feed, it was so distinct and refreshing from most other actors. I noticed you were replying to so many fans on all your posts and I remember thinking what a kind man you must be to take out time and interact with all these people. It was then that my admiration for you began…not with Sushant the superstar, but with Sushant as a  person.

Despite being a such a huge star, you remained so down-to-earth. You were always ready to help those in need, and that too, without any publicity or big acknowledgement. You were probably the only celebrity on Instagram who followed random fans just because they asked you to and it would make them happy. You were so kind to everyone on social media and in real life; it didn’t feel like you were so far away from the common public…you were one of us, and willingly so. You were genuine, you were inspiring, you were talented, you were intelligent.

When you left, it was a gutting shock beyond anything I can bring myself to fully rationalize. Like I heard someone say, your presence was like salt…barely noticeable when it existed, but everything becomes tasteless in its absence. Cinema, the film industry, it all feels superficial right now. I know the show will go on, the shock will subside, and the hurt will ease into gratitude for your presence someday. But through it all, you will always live on in a special corner of my heart.

They say no, “babu moshai…zindagi badi honi chahiye, lambi nahi….” Your life has truly exemplified this dialogue. You’ve immortalized yourself through your work and have impacted so many lives around the world. I am just one of those millions. You made me a better person. You made me a more curious person. I want to read all those amazing books you were so fond of. I want to teach myself advanced calculus. You inspired an interest in astrophysics. You taught me that there is nothing wrong with being nerdy. That a nerd can become a movie star.

As I watch more of your work and discover more of your beautiful thoughts, my respect continues to exponentially grow. You became a positive exponential change in my life that I never anticipated. I am so grateful that we have so many priceless moments of you to celebrate and look back on. You might have gone away physically, but your soul – the real you – is immortal. I’m sure you’re shining on somewhere: bright, pure, peaceful, happy, and full of love.

I truly, genuinely pray that you find peace and that your beautiful smile lights up the heavens. You must be resting with your mother, finally, with the blessings of Lord Bholenath upon you. He will take care of you with his boundless love and light. I’m sure you’re happier on the other side. Maybe you’re sitting and studying physics, dancing through the galaxies and looking down at us, smiling.

I promise you that we’ll try to convert the pain of losing you into a productive energy to make this world a better place. We’ll always continue to celebrate you and your legacy. After all, main tumhari, main tumhari, main tumhari rahi…. A part of me will always be yours. You will always inspire me. You will always find a place in my prayers. I know you can feel all our positive energy and love.

Love always,

Sanskruti