Sushant – The Cavity In My Conductor

So it’s just two days short of two months since you’re gone Sushant. And the pain subsides one moment and aggravates soooo badly the other. I remember I was all of 6 when Pavitra Rishta first aired. I didn’t really watch it then but occasionally saw glimpses and really liked the rustic looking Manav. I started rewatching or rather truly watching it a week after you passed away.

Now I can say I love Manav ❤️✨. And that’s because of how you portrayed him. The rustic look, the burdened yet hopeful eyes and the fleetingly coming but forever enchanting smile, all of them so beautifully amalgamated together by you into Manav made him the essential chocolate boy of television. And he’ll forever stay so.

I want to very sadly, shamefully admit that I was never as ardent a fan of you as so many others were. I don’t mean that I didn’t appreciate your work or didn’t love you on and off screen but I never really saw beyond Sushant the actor. I never knew Sushant- the dancer, the brainy physicist, the aspiring astronaut, the giving philanthropist, te thoughtful #SelfMuser, the loving son, the selfless brother and the charismatic human being. And sadly I’ll never know all of these fully. You’ve wrapped up an enigma as you left Sushant, that’ll forever enchant as well as haunt me. Enchant for all the beauty I knew and haunt for all I couldn’t.

When I see your old replies to your fans, uh no your friends, I feel how can someone who’s a celebrity be sooooo down to earth? I remember some years back I saw a quora answer where you’d replied to some fan page of yours and that girl was sooo happy about that. I thought to myself whenever I get my own social media account even I’ll talk to Sushant, the Sushant. But now this can never come true.

The guilt, the sadness that overwhelms at such moments is so miserable that I cant even convey it to you and rather I wouldn’t want to tell you about sadness. Let’s talk of some good things, love. Some days back, there was a butterfly in space and all of us, your fans, new and old unequivocally resonated that this IS YOU! Did you notice our resonance Sush? Was it as magical as it was when you were here? I know you can’t answer my questions but that doesn’t mean I can’t try na.

I unknowingly have always had this connect with you that I never realised I had. When Kai Po Che released,I proudly told my mom, see this is the Manav from Pavitra Rishta, remember ? When MS Dhoni was out, my eyes gleamed to see you playing Dhoni sooo perfectly. Makhna has had all my heart ❤️. And Chhichhore, woh din bhi kya din the Sush!

While thinking of all this I related it to a concept of physics I’ve been studying these days. In a spherical shaped conductor, when we form a cavity, no charge can ever go into that cavity, it can just stay on its outer edge but never reach inside the cavity, the void that is created. That’s exactly how you have made me feel. The conductor is my heart and you had a place in it. Now you’re gone and there’s a cavity, where no one can ever enter but my foolish heart didn’t realise the value of this part until it became a cavity….

But this void that you’ve left, the sadness also comes with your everlasting legacy. . Everytime I listen to the album of Dil bechara, watch a song of Chhichhore, Kedarnath’s dialogue, or watch Pavitra Rishta on loop, I realise that you’ve left us an eternity of your art, your smile, your happiness that you exuded to all of us. That will always stay, na?

So you will be remembered for eternities Sushant, for your legacy that you’ve left behind. A legacy that taught each one of us something. That inspires us to be better humans everyday. For instance, I’ve started practising writing with my left hand and I listen to binaural beats while doing so. It fills me with overwhelming excitement everyday and is something that I look forward to. Didn’t you say that happiness= excitement +now? It does Sush, truly does. And we all will forever be #Sushanting!

You’ll be remembered every moment Sush, but not only with the ever flowing tears, but with a smile the gift you gave us all and took away as well, paradox ain’t it?

#InMyHeartFOREVERRRR
❤️💔😇🙂💝🌎🦋💝✨