You are within us!

On that fateful day of 14 June, I saw a tweet appearing in my timeline…’No, God….please, No! I could sense that something must have gone terribly wrong…when I followed that thread, I came across the news of Sushant…. I initially thought it could have been something due to COVID. However, I was absolutely shocked reading the ‘cause of death’ that were floating around!

To be honest, I never really followed Sushant or any other movie stars…have followed a few TV shows though! Pavitra Rishta was one of those too….however, the memories were too blur to reminisce as I was literally a child then! I could recall watching MS Dhoni…especially the last 15/20 minutes and some episodes of Jhalak Dikhlaja! I knew only that much only…about Sushant!

Somehow, I felt that the numbness I was feeling inside would subside soon as I was not a great fan of him as I did not follow his career graphs and I tried to sleep it off! However, soon I realized that it was almost impossible not to think about it! Even after two long days, when the thoughts did not leave me, I took his social media accounts to know him better….as the world youth was asking only one question, how could a man with the most vibrant dream lists take such a step? I searched for his old interviews and watched almost each one of the videos available online…that was the moment I realized that this was a loss not only Indian cinema, this was actually a loss to the mankind! Soon, it was realized that the emotions I was going through were not supposed to fade away with the time, but it may get even deeper with each passing day! I wanted to seek for an answer as my heart did not give me the consent to accept what was flashing in the news headlines! I started following each and every news coming across on social media…had got a strange feeling that somehow there was a hurry to close this matter in a hurry from the local authorities…then, I thought it was my illusion as I desperately wanted the allegations to be proved to wrong! Then, I saw tweets from some Bollywood biggies that Sushant was their friend and respecting their friend’s privacy, not to circulate his LAST picture on the internet. Well, at the first thought, I also felt that it is a breach of privacy and I refrained myself to see that…however, I still wanted to see that picture as I wanted to know if he is actually no more! I certainly had not to search for that, it was available on social media with multiple hashtags! The first thought that came to my mind was that why it feels like he had no idea what happened to/with him? the second thought that came to my mind was that how did that mark on his neck appear? I thought to myself, how is that even possible that mark to be like what it was?

I remember, my mom once refrained myself from seeing a neighbor who chose his own exit…my mom told that kids could be frightened seeing a distorted face! But, seeing Sushant, It felt like he was simply sleeping…by then, I was quite sure that there’s more than the eyes met…again, I also thought….maybe I am just a layperson not having sufficient knowledge as all related medical reports seemed to have ruled out any suspicion! However, maybe on the 11th or 12th day of his unfortunate demise, I came across a YT video where an expert directly said that it was not a suicide but something else! That was the moment when my thoughts got validation! Since then, I silently started following all those news that raised concerns…but, have never gathered the courage to share my concerns publicly…as I was initially uncomfortable…thought maybe my voice wouldn’t make an impact as I am not from India! Later, I couldn’t join public movements thinking that maybe I would be counted under that Bollywood Category who failed to raise their voices when it was truly needed! However, I never failed to make silent prayers for the family and their Gulshan…and, will continue doing so!

Then, why am I writing this letter now? This is how Sushant has influenced me…to come out of my shell…to express myself! His demise has taught me that it’s never too late to say Thank you and Sorry to your loved ones even it’s not necessary! The video shared by his sister where he was chanting a religious chant is saved in my playlist although I do not understand the meaning….but, i feel the emotion and devotion! This is how Sushant has united us…above any religious or geographical boundaries…I never felt this way for any public figure and I am proud that Sushant is the one for whom I feel this deeply that it still feels like a personal loss! I lost my grandparents in recent years and trust me, I hadn’t felt this much even at those points too! Whenever I see videos from his personal life, I feel like crying out…but, I can’t! Sometimes, crying doesn’t help! Probably, I have saved tears to shed maybe for the day when the truth and only truth will come out!

Thank you Sushant…for awakening a part of me….who could feel for the ones who never met each other in person..who had never each other! Millions of people all over the world are not fighting not for a celebrity, but for a Genuine human being, they are fighting for themselves too as you seemed to be part of us….you are inside us…within us…you are each one us! We want you to be proved right as we have unknowingly adapted many of your ideologies/thoughts in our personal lives for which your win means our win!

Love, peace and prayers Sushant!

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